Some dreams are never meant to be ours.

Hey peeps,

Yes, I’m back after a super long time. No, I wasn’t dead. As you can see, I’m very much alive. Anyways, I’m back with a super depressing post. It’s the end of 2016 and it’ll soon be the dawn of a new year but 2016 is ending on a terrible note for me.

2016 wasn’t the best of years. It had many downs more than ups and 2016 was one year that challenged me, psychologically. Even 2015 was the same. At least 2015 didn’t end on a bad note but 2016 is.

2017 is a new year but it’s going to be a hard year, I guess. Right now, I’m lost and aimless. Oh well, I do have an aim, a goal but it’s going no where. My goals apparently do not fit with the reality. The very people who gave me my dreams, who sowed the seeds and watered them are today, the VERY people that are shattering it. Few years ago, they showed me that my dreams were a possibility that’s why I held onto them for so long but today they’re showing me that those very dreams are impossible to achieve. They are giving me various, rational reasons but yet it hurts. I mean, they had already known it’s impossibility so why did they let me drown myself in my dreams? Why did they let me live with that hope? Today, the last moment, it seems fine to break it nah? It seems okay to tell me that my dreams were never meant to be mine. That my dreams never belonged to me. That those dreams can never be mine. Yes, if we believe in our dreams we can achieve them but sometimes there are many reasons that hinders us from achieving even a fraction of our dream.

But, really? Is it okay to let someone believe that until the last moment, that their dream is achievable, when it really is not? Yes, this has put me off my course of life. Now, I have to think from scratch again and let go of all what I desired and all my dreams. I have to now limit my horizons and start dreaming within the limit. Now, I feel like a caged bird. I don’t know what the future holds. For me, it’s bleak, it’s dark and I don’t know where to look for the light. 2017 is starting on a bad beginning, the decisions I take in 2017 will impact my whole life; for good or for bad, time will tell. Right now, my fate looks rotten. My destiny looks spoilt.

I’ve had to limit my dreams due to certain reasons and now, I have to once again go through all those comparisons, nosy questions, judging looks, confidence-shattering words and more. There was a reason I wanted to venture out but that reason cannot be told to those who matter because no matter how much I try, no one would believe me. And no one would ever think my reasons to be anything of importance. No one but me knows the psychological pain these 6 years and even more so since 2015. It was my fault, I had always been closed off and kept all my feelings and emotions to myself, I had put on a mask and always tried to be strong. Now see, everything is biting back at me. Had I actually shown my true feelings and emotions and shown how fragile I was, maybe today wouldn’t end like this. But no, I decided to become the rock and hid everything with a fake smile. I was cheerful even when I was battling serious self-confidence issues. I tried to be strong when I was not. I tried to inspiring when all I wanted was to curl into myself and cry. I refused to let others see my bitter tears and NOW, NOW EVERYTHING IS TURNING AGAINST ME. How many years more should I continue this? Forever? For my whole life? Am I supposed to forever be that strong rock? Am I destined to always be self-sacrificing? Am I always going to sacrifice parts of myself until I’m nothing but a product of someone else’s happiness? That’s how everything looks like. *humourless laughter*

I feel like a hypocrite. I am a completely different person outside than I’m inside and today I can say I’m officially broken. I’m shattered. I’m lost. I don’t know what else to do with my life. I don’t see any worth in my life anymore. But, I’ll continue keeping my fake façade because no one can handle my true self. I have to simply be strong. I can’t break down and cry, no arms would ever welcome me. Betrayed, broken, aimless, battered. God is my only Saviour.

I hope you all have a better 2017. I pray no one ever gets what has befallen on me. You don’t deserve it, alright.

Haha, no one reads my blog…so yeah, no one would ever know about me, the real me. No problem, I’m used to all this pain. I’m glad I’m still alive *pats myself on the back*

Forever,

SarcasticandFun